Here are notes while reading this book about negotiation by Chris Voss.
They kidnapped my son
When they say they’ll kill his son unless he provides $1m, Chris provides open-ended questions:
“How do I know he’s still alive? I’m sorry, Robert, but how am I supposed to get any money to you let alone $1m?”
Adding “I’m sorry” and the first name injects warmth, and open-ended questions buy time. The kidnappers are thinking about how to solve HIS problem of getting the money, logistically, under the illusion that they have all the power/control.
Getting to Yes Falls Short
This book fell short when it came to hostage negotiations
- Separate the person (emotion) from the problem.
- Don’t get wrapped up in the other side’s position: what they want, but instead on their interests: why they’re asking for it.
- Work cooperatively to form win-win options.
- Establish mutually agreed upon standards for evaluating those possible solutions.
Framing Effect
People place greater value on going from 90% to 100% than 45% to 55%.
Prospect Theory
We take unwarranted risk in the face of uncertain losses.
Loss Aversion
People are more likely to act to avert a loss than achieve an equal gain.
Batna: best alternative to a negotiated agreement
Tactical Empathy: Listening
When people listened to intensely, they start listening to themselves more carefully, and openly evaluate/clarify their own thoughts/feelings. They become less defensive and willing to listen to POV, which takes them to the calm, logical place.
Mirroring
Repeating the last 3 words or the most significant 1-3 words that the other person just said, will lead to them feeling like a development of trust/similarity, and cause them to clarify/add more information voluntarily.
Waiters tried positive reinforcement and mirroring, and the mirroring waiters got 70% more in tips.
Mirroring requires you to let it sit, so make the effort and then wait for a response.
- Use the late night DJ voice. Calm, downward inflection
- Start with “I’m sorry.
- Mirror
- Silence (at least 4 seconds).
- Repeat
Summary of Chapter 2
Don’t commit to assumptions. Make hypotheses and use negotiation to test them.
Negotiation is about discovery of information, not argument. By focusing on argument, you get distracted by the voices in your head. Get as much information as possible by focusing on them.
Slow it down. People feel like they’re not heard if you rush.
Smile and radiate positivity. It creates mental agility in both.
Late night FM DJ voice: use to make a point. Inflect downward and speak slowly to create an aura of trustworthiness.
Playful voice: Default voice, light, encouraging. Relax and smile
Direct and assertive voice: Use rarely, they create pushback.
Mirroring facilitates bonding. Use them to encourage the other side to keep talking, bond with you, and reveal their strategy.
Chapter 3: Don’t feel their pain, label it
Tactical Empathy: Pay attention to what they’re feeling, labeling it, and vocalization of that recognition.
This is not agreeing with them and giving hugs, that’s sympathy. This is just making a commitment to understand their world.
Tactical empathy is also hearing what is behind those feelings, to increase your influence.
Labeling an emotion cuts its intensity by applying logic/rationality in the process of labeling it logically. It feels awkward but works well.
- Detect the other person’s emotional state. Pay attention to changes that occur when they respond to events. If you ask “how is the family?” and their mouth turns down, or voice goes flat, or fidgets feet, etc. these cues are telling you about their emotions.
- Label the emotion aloud. Say “it sounds like” instead of “i’m hearing”, it’s a neutral rather than selfish standing, causing the counterpart to share more information. It seems like, it looks like, it sounds like.
- Silence. Throw out the label and listen.
When making a statement, “look I’m an asshole” to acknowledge your mistake, it defuses anger.
Clear the road before advertising the destination.
Instead of saying “I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but” and hoping that they think we’re not that bad, we should positively label it and say “I’m an asshole for this”. The latter is more effective.
No deal is better than a bad deal
Never compromise. Deadlines are almost always arbitrary, and the consequences imaginary. When there is no deadline, your patience becomes an asset, as you refuse to give in and take a bad deal.
Car dealerships give the best deals toward the end of the month due to transactions being assessed then. Corporate salespeople work quarterly and are most vulnerable at the end of quarters.
Keeping your own deadlines secret (“You can Negotiate Anything”) is an old-school idea.
The Ultimatum Game
Given $10, you have to offer $1-10 to the other side, and if they agree, they get it. If they disagree, you give the $10 back.
There was no majorly popular choice (5-5, 6-4, 7-3, etc.), which proved that they were acting emotionally. If they were acting with reason, there would be a logical path that most followed.
Secondly, the only correct choice is to offer $1. If the other side says no, they’re agreeing to $0 instead of $1, which defies the “rules of finance”. It also makes no sense to offer more than $1.
We are all irrational/emotional. Emotion is a necessary element to decision making that we ignore at our own peril.
When negotiating, NFL players wanted to make the owners open their books. Owners say “we have given them a fair offer.” This takes attention away from the open books.
The best response: Fair? It sounds like you are ready to provide evidence that supports that. This alludes to handing over information that contradicts their claim or gives you more data to work with, declawing the attack.
Loss Aversion:
It’s not enough to say you can deliver something that the other person wants in an negotiation. Instead, convince them they have something to lose by not negotiating.
- Anchor their emotions: Start out with an accusation audit, acknowledging all of their fears. This anchors their emotions in preparation for a loss.
- Never go first, let the other side anchor monetary negotiations (most of the time). The other party’s first offer is sometimes higher than your closing figure, so you can get lucky.
- Establish a range: While going first doesn’t really help, you can allude to a range (130-170k when you want 130k) while going first. “At top companies like XYZ, this job earns 130-170. This makes 130k seem cheap while it’s what you’re willing to take.
- Pivot to non monetary terms. Things that aren’t important to you but are to them (if your offer is low), or are important to you but not to them (if their offer is low).
- When you do talk numbers, use odd ones. Some numbers appear more immovable. Numbers ending in 0 feel like guestimates. $37,263 sounds like thoughtful calculation, serious and permanent.
- Surprise with a gift: You can get your counterpart in a move of generosity, by giving an unexpected conciliatory gesture. This introduces reciprocity, as they feel the need to answer your generosity or repay your kindness in the future.
When dealing with kidnappers, make them think you don’t have the money without saying no. “How am I supposed to do that?” Then, “I’m sorry, but how am I supposed to pay if you will hurt her?” to question their fairness. Then, a low anchor “$3000” as an anchor changes the kidnapper’s reality, followed by a strange number “$4751”. The kidnapper suggests $7500, so the victim throws in a portable cd stereo and the same $4751. This makes it sound like there’s no more money to be made. They obliged.
Sell yourself as more than a body for a job. Sell your success as a way they can validate their own intelligence and broadcast it to the rest of their company. You are a flesh and blood argument for their importance. This gains you an unofficial mentor.
Ask in interviewers “What does it take to be successful here?”
When people give you guidance, they will watch and see if you follow their advice, and hope that you succeed.
Humanize yourself
When told that there’s no frequent buyer discount, Chris held out his hand and said “I’m Chris. What’s the Chris discount?” And they offer 10%.
It’s hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction. Get the other party to agree 3 separate times in one conversation, at least.