Dealing with People
Research done under the auspices of the Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching uncovered a most important and significant fact – a fact later confirmed by additional studies made at the Carnegie Institute of Technology. These investigations revealed that even in such technical lines as engineering, about 15 percent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 percent is due to skill in human engineering-to personality and the ability to lead people.
In the heyday of his activity, John D. Rockefeller said that “the ability to deal with people is as purchasable a commodity as sugar or coffee.” “And I will pay more for that ability,” said John D., “than for any other under the sun.”
Criticism
Lewis Lawes, who was warden of New York’s infamous Sing Sing prison for many years, declared that “few of the criminals in Sing Sing regard themselves as bad men. They are just as human as you and I. So they rationalize, they explain. They can tell you why they had to crack a safe or be quick on the trigger finger. Most of them attempt by a form of reasoning, fallacious or logical, to justify their antisocial acts even to themselves, consequently stoutly maintaining that they should never have been imprisoned at all.”
John Wanamaker, founder of the stores that bear his name, once confessed: “I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold. I have enough trouble overcoming my own limitations without fretting over the fact that God has not seen fit to distribute evenly the gift of intelligence.” Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
Principle #1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
Lincoln Learns Not to Criticize
The Battle of Gettysburg was fought during the first three days of July 1863. During the night of July 4, Lee began to retreat southward while storm clouds deluged the country with rain. When Lee reached the Potomac with his defeated army, he found a swollen, impassable river in front of him, and a victorious Union Army behind him. Lee was in a trap. He couldn’t escape. Lincoln saw that. Here was a golden, heaven-sent opportunity-the opportunity to capture Lee’s army and end the war immediately. So, with a surge of high hope, Lincoln ordered Meade not to call a council of war but to attack Lee immediately. Lincoln telegraphed his orders and then sent a special messenger to Meade demanding immediate action.
And what did General Meade do?
He did the very opposite of what he was told to do. He called a council of war in direct violation of Lincoln’s orders. He hesitated. He procrastinated. He telegraphed all manner of excuses. He refused point-blank to attack Lee. Finally the waters receded and Lee escaped over the Potomac with his forces. Lincoln was furious, ” What does this mean?” Lincoln cried to his son Robert. “Great God! What does this mean? We had them within our grasp, and had only to stretch forth our hands and they were ours; yet nothing that I could say or do could make the army move. Under the circumstances, almost any general could have defeated Lee. If I had gone up there, I could have whipped him myself.”
In bitter disappointment, Lincoln sat down and wrote Meade this letter. And remember, at this period of his life Lincoln was extremely conservative and restrained in his phraseology. So this letter coming from Lincoln in 1863 was tantamount to the severest rebuke. My dear General, I do not believe you appreciate the magnitude of the misfortune involved in Lee’s escape. He was within our easy grasp, and to have closed upon him would, in connection with our other late successes, have ended the war. As it is, the war will be prolonged indefinitely. If you could not safely attack Lee last Monday, how can you possibly do so south of the river, when you can take with you very few-no more than two-thirds of the force you then had in hand? It would be unreasonable to expect and I do not expect that you can now effect much. Your golden opportunity is gone, and I am distressed immeasurably because of it.
What do you suppose Meade did when he read the letter?
Meade never saw that letter. Lincoln never mailed it. It was found among his papers after his death.
Benjamin Franklin – Speak no ill
Benjamin Franklin, tactless in his youth, became so diplomatic, so adroit at handling people, that he was made American Ambassador to France. The secret of his success? “I will speak ill of no man,” he said, ” . . and speak all the good I know of everybody.”
“A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”
Principle #2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.”
“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize any-one. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. “
“In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world,” Schwab declared, “I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”
Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. There is an old saying that I have cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day: I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again. Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way, In that, I learn of him.”
Principle #3: Arouse in the other person an eager want
If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.
J. Howard Lucas of Birmingham, Alabama, tells how two salespeople from the same company handled the same type of situation, He reported: “Several years ago I was on the management team of a small company. Headquartered near us was the district office of a large insurance company. Their agents were assigned territories, and our company was assigned to two agents, whom I shall refer to as Carl and John.
“One morning, Carl dropped by our office and casually mentioned that his company had just introduced a new life insurance policy for executives and thought we might be interested later on and he would get back to us when he had more information on it. “The same day, John saw us on the sidewalk while returning from a coffee break, and he shouted: ‘Hey Luke, hold up, I have some great news for you fellows.’
He hurried over and very excitedly told us about an executive life insurance policy his company had introduced that very day. (It was the same policy that Carl had casually mentioned.) He wanted us to have one of the first issued. He gave us a few important facts about the coverage and ended saying, ‘The
policy is so new, I’m going to have someone from the home office come out tomorrow and explain it. Now, in the meantime, let’s get the applications signed and on the way so he can have more information to work with.’ His enthusiasm aroused in us an eager want for this policy even though we still did not have details, When they were made available to us, they confirmed John’s initial understanding of the policy, and he not only sold each of us a policy, but later doubled our coverage.
Principle #4: Be a good Listener
Alfred Adler, the famous Viennese psychologist, wrote a book entitled What Life Should Mean to You. In that book he says: “It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.”
I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
When the Duke of Windsor was Prince of Wales, he was scheduled to tour South America, and before he started out on that tour he spent months studying Spanish so that he could make public talks in the language of the country; and the South Americans loved him for it.
Greet people with enthusiasm
If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology. Say “Hello” in tones that bespeak how pleased YOU are to have the person call. Many companies train their telephone operators to greet all callers in a tone of voice that
radiates interest and enthusiasm. The caller feels the company is concerned about them. Let’s remember that when we answer the telephone tomorrow.
Collecting Stamps
“I am collecting stamps for my twelve-year-old son,” the president explained to Mr. Walters.
Mr. Walters stated his mission and began asking questions. The president was vague, general, nebulous. He didn’t want to talk, and apparently nothing could persuade him to talk. The interview was brief and barren.
“Frankly, I didn’t know what to do,” Mr. Walters said as he related the story to the class. “Then I remembered what his secretary had said to him – stamps, twelve-year-old son. . . And I also recalled that the foreign department of our bank collected stamps – stamps taken from letters pouring in from every continent washed by the seven seas.
“The next afternoon I called on this man and sent in word that I had some stamps for his boy. Was I ushered in with enthusiasm? Yes sir, He couldn’t have shaken my hand with more enthusiasm if he had been running for Congress. He radiated smiles and good will. ‘My George will love this one,’ he kept saying as he fondled the stamps. ‘And look at this! This is a treasure.’
Smiling
Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, expressed his feelings about a smile. “People who smile,” he said, “tend to manage teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.”
“Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.
“Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there. …”
Elbert Hubbart: Gods in the Chrysalis
Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual.. . . Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude –
the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.
Remember Names
During the years that Jim Farley traveled as a salesman for a gypsum concern, and during the years that he held office as town clerk in Stony Point, he built up a system for remembering names. In the beginning, it was a very simple one. Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions. He fixed all these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard.
Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it – and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
Carnegie Remembered to Utilize Names
To illustrate: When he was a boy back in Scotland, he got hold of a rabbit, a mother rabbit. Presto! He soon had a whole nest of little rabbits – and nothing to feed them. But he had a brilliant idea. He told the boys and girls in the neighborhood that if they would go out and pull enough clover and dandelions to feed the rabbits, he would name the bunnies in their honor. The plan worked like magic, and Carnegie never forgot it. Years later, he made millions by using the same psychology in business. For example, he wanted to sell steel rails to the Pennsylvania Railroad. J. Edgar Thomson was the president of the Pennsylvania Railroad then. So Andrew Carnegie built a huge steel mill in Pittsburgh and called it the “Edgar Thomson Steel Works.”
Not knowing names is operating on quicksand
Benton Love, chairman of Texas Commerce Banc-shares, believes that the bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes. ” One way to warm it up,” he said, “is to remember people’s names. The executive who tells me he can’t remember names is at the same time telling me he can’t remember a significant part of his business and is operating on quicksand.”
Libraries and museums owe their richest collections to people who cannot bear to think that their names might perish from the memory of the race.
Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for
themselves; they are too busy.
Roosevelt Paying Attention to Detail
To illustrate: The Chrysler organization built a special car for Mr. Roosevelt, who could not use a standard car because his legs were paralyzed.
“I taught President Roosevelt how to handle a car with a lot of unusual gadgets, but he taught me a lot about the fine art of handling people. “When I called at the White House,” Mr. Chamberlain writes, “the President was extremely pleasant and cheerful. He called me by name, made me feel very comfortable, and particularly impressed me with the fact that he was vitally interested in things I had to show him and tell him. The car was so designed that it could be operated entirely by hand. A crowd gathered around to look at the car; and he remarked: ‘I think it is marvelous. All you have to do is to touch a button and it moves away and you can drive it without effort. I think it is grand – I don’t know what makes it go. I’d love to have the time to tear it down and see how it works.’
“When Roosevelt’s friends and associates admired the machine, he said in their presence: ‘Mr. Chamberlain, I certainly appreciate all the time and effort you have spent in developing this car. It is a mighty fine job.’ He admired the radiator, the special rear-vision mirror and clock, the special spotlight, the kind of upholstery, the sitting position of the driver’s seat, the special suitcases in the trunk with his monogram on each suitcase. In other words, he took notice of every detail to which he knew I had given considerable thought. He made a point of bringing these various pieces of equipment to the attention of Mrs. Roosevelt, Miss Perkins, the Secretary of Labor, and his secretary. He even brought the old White House porter into the picture by saying, ‘George, you want to take particularly good care of the suitcases.’
“When the driving lesson was finished, the President turned to me and said: ‘Well, Mr. Chamberlain, I have been keeping the Federal Reserve Board waiting thirty minutes. I guess I had better get back to work.’ “I took a mechanic with me to the White House. He was introduced to Roosevelt when he arrived. He didn’t talk to the President, and Roosevelt heard his name only once. He was a shy chap, and he kept in the background. But before leaving us, the President looked for the mechanic, shook his hand, called him by name, and thanked him for coming to Washington. And there was nothing perfunctory about his thanks. He meant what he said. I could feel that.
Good Manners
“Good manners,” said Emerson, “are made up of petty sacrifices.”
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the
individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name
of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.
Good Conversationalists
What is the secret, the mystery, of a successful business interview? Well, according to former Harvard president Charles W. Eliot, “There is no mystery about successful business intercourse. … Exclusive
attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.”
Robert responded: “No, but I really know you love me because whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you are doing and listen to me.”
Sigmund Freud was a Great Listener
One of the great listeners of modern times was Sigmund Freud. A man who met Freud described his manner of listening: “It struck me so forcibly that I shall never forget him. He had qualities which I had never seen in any other man. Never had I seen such concentrated
attention. There was none of that piercing ‘soul penetrating gaze’ business. His eyes were mild and genial. His voice was low and kind. His gestures were few. But the attention he gave me, his appreciation of what I said, even when I said it badly, was extraordinary, You’ve no idea what it meant to be listened to like that.”
Principle #5: Talk in Terms of the Other Person’s Interests
Teddy Roosevelt Studied the Night Before
Everyone who was ever a guest of Theodore Roosevelt was astonished at the range and diversity of his knowledge. Whether his visitor was a cowboy or a Rough Rider, a New York politician or a diplomat, Roosevelt knew what to say. And how was it done? The answer was simple. Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested. For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Principle #6: Make the Other Person Feel Important – and do it sincerely
I noticed that the clerk appeared to be bored with the job -weighing envelopes, handing out stamps, making change, issuing receipts – the same monotonous grind year after year. So I said to myself: “I am going to try to make that clerk like me. Obviously, to make him like me, I must say something nice, not about myself, but about him. So I asked myself, ‘What is there about him that I can honestly admire?’ ” That is sometimes a hard question to answer, especially with strangers; but, in this case, it happened to be easy. I instantly saw something I admired no end.
So while he was weighing my envelope, I remarked with enthusiasm:
“I certainly wish I had your head of hair.”
I told this story once in public and a man asked me afterwards: “‘What did you want to get out of him?”
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return – if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so
richly deserve. Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is a feeling that flows and sings in your memory lung after the incident is past.
You Cannot (and Should Not Try to) Win an Argument
The raconteur mentioned that the quotation was from the Bible. He was wrong. I knew that, I knew it positively. There couldn’t be the slightest doubt about it. And so, to get a feeling of importance and
display my superiority, I appointed myself as an unsolicited and unwelcome committee of one to correct him. He stuck to his guns. What? From Shakespeare? Impossible! Absurd! That quotation was
from the Bible. And he knew it.
The storyteller was sitting on my right; and Frank Gammond, an old friend of mine, was seated at my left. Mr. Gammond had devoted years to the study of Shakespeare, So the storyteller and I agreed to submit the question to Mr. Gammond. Mr. Gammond listened, kicked me under the table, and then said: “Dale, you are wrong. The gentleman is right. It is from the Bible.”
On our way home that night, I said to Mr. Gammond: “Frank, you knew that quotation was from Shakespeare,” “Yes, of course,” he replied, “Hamlet, Act Five, Scene Two. But we were guests at a festive occasion, my dear Dale. Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let
him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it. Why argue with him? Always avoid the acute angle.” The man who said that taught me a lesson I’ll never forget. I not only had made the storyteller uncomfortable, but had put my friend in an embarrassing situation.
You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph.
“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
Just Agree with Them
Mr. O’Haire became one of the star salesmen for the White Motor Company in New York. How did he do it? Here is his story in his own words: “If I walk into a buyer’s office now and he says: ‘What? A White truck?
They’re no good! I wouldn’t take one if you gave it to me. I’m going to buy the Whose-It truck,’ I say, ‘The Whose-It is a good truck. If you buy the Whose-It, you’ll never make a mistake. The Whose-Its are made by a fine company and sold by good people.’
“He is speechless then. There is no room for an argument. If he says the Whose-It is best and I say sure it is, he has to stop. He can’t keep on all afternoon saying, ‘It’s the best’ when I’m agreeing with him. We then get off the subject of Whose-It and I begin to talk about the good points of the White truck.
Ben Franklin on Arguments
As wise old Ben Franklin used to say: If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory
sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.
Lincoln on Arguments
Lincoln once reprimanded a young army officer for indulging in a violent controversy with an associate. “No man who is resolved to make the most of himself,” said Lincoln, “can spare time for personal contention. Still less can he afford to take the consequences, including the vitiation of his temper and the loss of self-control. Yield larger things to which you show no more than equal rights; and yield lesser ones though clearly your own. Better give your path to a dog than be bitten by him in contesting for the right. Even killing the dog would not cure the bite.”
Thinking During Arguments
Could my opponents be right? Partly right? Is there truth or merit in their position or argument? Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me? Will I win or lose? What price will I have to pay if I win? If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over? Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
Don’t tell people what you’re proving
Never begin by announcing “I am going to prove so-and-so to you.” That’s bad. That’s tantamount to saying: “I’m smarter than you are, I’m going to tell you a thing or two and make you change your mind.”
That is a challenge. It arouses opposition and makes the listener want to battle with you before you even start. It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change
people’s minds. So why make it harder? Why handicap yourself?
If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it. This was expressed succinctly by Alexander Pope:
Men must be taught as if you taught them not, and things unknown proposed as things forgot.
Apparently I wrote notes on this book in 2017. I am including them below, though most will likely overlap.
Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof when your own doorstep is unclean.
I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I know of everybody. Ben Franklin
A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Principle 1: Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
Charles Schwab:
I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.
What do average people do? The exact opposite. If they don’t like a thing, they bawl out their subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing.
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire… and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way. Harry A. Overstreet
If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. Henry Ford
“Self expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.” William Winter
When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. Then they will regard it as their own; they will like it.
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
The New York Telephone Company discovered that the most used word in telephone conversations is the pronoun “I”. It was used 3900 times in 500 conversations.
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
Principle 1B: Become genuinely interested in people.
There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. Shakespeare
Principle 2B: Smile
To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.
Principle 3B: Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China that kills millions.
Principle 4B: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Principle 5B: Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him. Emerson
Principle 6B: Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument, and that is to avoid it.
Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.
A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a citory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will. Ben Franklin
Here lies the body of William Jay,
Who died maintaining his right of way
He was right, dead right, as he sped along,
But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.
Principle 1C: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Men must be taught as if you taught them not
And things unknown proposed as things forgot. Alexander Pope
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself. Galileo
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so. Lord Chesterfield
Martin Luther King was asked how, as a pacifist, he could be an admirer of Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James, then the nation’s highest-ranking black officer. Dr. King replied, “I judge people by their own principles – not by my own.”
P 2C: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say – and say them before that person has a chance to say them. The chances are a hundred to one that a generous, forgiving attitude will be taken and your mistakes will be minimized just as the mounted policeman did with me and Rex.
By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
P 3C: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
P 4C: Begin in a friendly way.
The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of the Orient: he who tread softly goes far.
P 5C: Get the other person saying yes, yes immediately.
P 6C: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
In every work of Genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts, they come back to us with a certain alienated Majesty. Emerson
P 7C: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.
P 8C. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child only displays his injury or even in flicks of cut or bruise in order to reap abundance sympathy. For the same purpose adults… Show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. Self – pity for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.
P 9C: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
Experience has taught me that when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations.
P 10C: Appeal to the nobler motives.
This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating the truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use Showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
P 11C: Dramatize your ideas.
The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel. Charles Schwab
I have never found that pay and pay alone would either bring together or hold good people. I think it was the game itself. Harvey S. Firestone
The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. A chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her work. 2XL, to win. That is what makes foot races and hog calling and pie eating contest. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.
P 12C. Throw down a challenge.
A barber lathers a man before he shaves him.
P 1D: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
By offering praise followed by the word but comma a recipient might question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead him to a critical interference of failure. Credibility would be strained, and we would probably not achieve our objectives of changing the attitude of the person.
P 2D: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
P 3D: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Resentment caused by a brash order may last a long time – even if the order was given to correct an obviously bad situation.
People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
P 4D: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Even if we are right in the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but he thinks of himself. Hurting a man and his dignity is a crime. Antoine de saint-exupéry
P 5D: Let the other person save face.
Let us praise even the slightest Improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.
Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, well most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise. Jess lair
Everyone likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere – not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.
Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
P 6D: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”.
The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability. Samuel Vauclain
If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
P 7D: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
P 8D: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Napoleon was criticized for giving toys to war-hardened veterans, and Napoleon replied men are ruled by toys.
P 9D: Make the other person happy about doing the things you suggest.
The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in the Limelight, raises one head and shoulders above the crowd. And the person who can speak acceptably is usually given credit for an ability out of all proportion to what he or she really possesses.